apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
