While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
