Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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