mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
