I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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