My nipple is on Facebook.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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