just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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