I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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