there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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