why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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