I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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