Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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