i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
