I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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