...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
