Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
