im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
