You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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