chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
