pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
