He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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