those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
