We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
