so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
