I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My liver just had a heart attack.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
