I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Two words: nipple clamps
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