I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
