No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
