Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
