Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
