Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Say something about gay babies.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
