Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
