God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
