Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
