i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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