When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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