the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It was confusing and full of hummus
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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