i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
