Sorry, I don't speak sober.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
