Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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