Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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