I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
