theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
ttyl tear gas
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
