Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
