Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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