I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
