Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
