seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
