Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
