3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize