Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
