I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
