I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
