Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
