My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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