Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
