i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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