i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
