she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
