youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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