If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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