Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize