i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
