dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
