I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
