Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
