i was born a porn star she said
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
