You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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