So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
