you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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